I am on the road again. This is 14th time traveling across country. It is déjà vu all over again.
If there is one thing I have learned in my short life, is that life wash, rinses and repeats itself. I had the thought the other day as the countryside was whirring past me, “why has my life been in a flux for the majority of my life?”
I chose my wandering lifestyle very early on in my life but I think that choice was sparked by something that was innate in my wild soul. It is like how baby whales can swim at birth or baby giraffes can stand and run minutes after birth: it is in their DNA. Well, my wandering soul is in my DNA. I could not chose anything but this lifestyle.
Then I asked myself, “What am I to learn from this constant wandering?” I then thought when I took up this iterant lifestyle what it felt like for me. Nerve racking is the thought that came to mind. I am a person who likes order and a Wandering Lifestyle bitch slaps Order often. It demands respect for its flashy chaos or look out for a shiner. Well, I have gotten bitch slapped some many times when I was younger that I almost forgot what normal felt like. I would usually start smoking like a fiend or doing some other self destructive habit to take me away from the uncomfortable feelings of chaos. But the therein lies the rub: feeling. Feeling is not uncomfortable or comfortable: it just is.
I just got out of a 2-week meditation retreat that focuses on sensation in the body as a tool to living a better life. Feeling pain? Observe it as sensation rather than creating the mental pain to go along with the physical pain. Feeling good? Observe it. Don’t judge one good or the other bad because on a sub molecular level they are both the same – just a mass of vibrating atoms doing what nature intended.
So I am on the road again going to a place I am not sure. But I am trying not to reach for a stimulant to divert my feelings, I am really trying to enjoy the scenery as it unfolds in glorious unplannedness.
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