re: sad news

I got an email from my mother this morning. The title was “sad news”. I read it thinking she was announcing that her crop of tomatoes was a disaster or that the new throw pillow she bought clashed with the couch. I started reading it and realized it wasn’t trivial and then I thought (I am never in a moment but trying to be two steps ahead) that it may be something about my mom’s dog. But then I realized it wasn’t a dog but my childhood friend of mine. My mom said he committed suicide on Monday.

I was stunned. I am still stunned. He was my oldest friend for over 33 years even though I haven’t talked to him in a few years. But that isn’t anything new – we would not see each other for a year or two and then pick up and it would feel like no time has passed. His parents live across from my mother and I have been expecting to see him and his family at Christmas but our paths haven’t crossed. No big deal, I thought – I’ll see him next year.

I have been fortunate that death has not knocked near me in quite a while. My grandma was the first real death in 1981 I experienced. Then my grandpa 15 years later. Then 2 uncles in the past 10 years and that is about it. I have never had a friend die – a peer. My grandparents and uncles could be rationalized that they led a full life. As a middle age man, I feel like a baby. There is so much to my life and I know that one episode of my life is not one to base the rest of my life on. I know things - good and bad - will pass.

I am still stunned. What were his thoughts that drove him to it? Why couldn’t he reach out? Why would he leave his wife and 2 kids and his parents with this much pain? His mother said he has been on the termination list from work for about 6 months and this drove him to depression.

I think we all have George Bailey moments when we think the world would be better off without us. But taking the next step is not one that many people cross. And taking that step because of money or love or loss is not worth it. This too shall pass.

I am stunned. But with all this, I have been thinking more of life today. It makes me realize how precious life is. It makes me want to love it all the more and squeeze as much out of it possible.

My thoughts of life are with his family and with me reminding me to live like there is no tomorrow.