re: sad news

I got an email from my mother this morning. The title was “sad news”. I read it thinking she was announcing that her crop of tomatoes was a disaster or that the new throw pillow she bought clashed with the couch. I started reading it and realized it wasn’t trivial and then I thought (I am never in a moment but trying to be two steps ahead) that it may be something about my mom’s dog. But then I realized it wasn’t a dog but my childhood friend of mine. My mom said he committed suicide on Monday.

I was stunned. I am still stunned. He was my oldest friend for over 33 years even though I haven’t talked to him in a few years. But that isn’t anything new – we would not see each other for a year or two and then pick up and it would feel like no time has passed. His parents live across from my mother and I have been expecting to see him and his family at Christmas but our paths haven’t crossed. No big deal, I thought – I’ll see him next year.

I have been fortunate that death has not knocked near me in quite a while. My grandma was the first real death in 1981 I experienced. Then my grandpa 15 years later. Then 2 uncles in the past 10 years and that is about it. I have never had a friend die – a peer. My grandparents and uncles could be rationalized that they led a full life. As a middle age man, I feel like a baby. There is so much to my life and I know that one episode of my life is not one to base the rest of my life on. I know things - good and bad - will pass.

I am still stunned. What were his thoughts that drove him to it? Why couldn’t he reach out? Why would he leave his wife and 2 kids and his parents with this much pain? His mother said he has been on the termination list from work for about 6 months and this drove him to depression.

I think we all have George Bailey moments when we think the world would be better off without us. But taking the next step is not one that many people cross. And taking that step because of money or love or loss is not worth it. This too shall pass.

I am stunned. But with all this, I have been thinking more of life today. It makes me realize how precious life is. It makes me want to love it all the more and squeeze as much out of it possible.

My thoughts of life are with his family and with me reminding me to live like there is no tomorrow.

The Threepenny Opera

This too shall change. You got change for a penny?

If there has been one overarching theme in my life it is the one of change. On one hand, I handle it with aplomb and on the other shoe belongs to Richard Reid.

There are things that I have been all hot and bothered about one day and swear my undying love and devotion to in heartfelt nocturnal whispers. And after a while I can let those things go when they no longer are needed. Huh? Didn't I just say that I would be with that thing until the day I die? Didn't I say I would give my left nutsack for it?? How dare I just drop it one day!

Well, I did and I do. From time to time I can let things just drop like toys from my childhood with not once looking over my Lotte Lenya shoulder. Then there are those other things - those things that that take me a weill to get over. Those things know I am their bitch and I ain't go anywhere. Those, as you may have surmised, are a bit harder to just drop. But I know they no longer suit me but I feel if I just change and maybe complain a little less then things will change....and maybe I should just drop a few lbs and a get a new hairdo...

So here I am pining for a thing that is in the past and bitching a bit too much about my present. That ain't new territory. I am very comfortable here but at the same time I fell really cheap and used in the morning. I know it is time for me to drop the past and let it be the past and really, I mean, really face my present with all the love I can muster.

I am in the third act and am waiting for reprieve. Who knows in "The Threepenny Opera part 2!" I may find redemption.

An Alzheimer’s Life

The older I get, the more I find my life repeats itself. Whaddya say there, sonny? Speak up and brings me my teef why you are at it!

I moved from my own personal Shangri-La, Del Mar, at the end of May. I have moved from this apartment more times than I can remember. Hey, there, sonny, grab me a Depends why you are up! Well, I actually can remember I have been in 7 different apartments in my Del Mar abode so that means ….counts toes….I moved 7 times! Each time I say it’s the last time but I know deep down inside that that is a lie. I did, however, think I was going to stay the last time I moved as I moved into the best view in the apartment building and possibly in Del Mar. The view was, needless to say, breathtaking. Hold on, sonny, let me catch my breath. But after a while of living there I began to take the view for granted.

So at the beginning of the year, when I decided that I would quit my job, I then began to play scenarios in my mind what I would do with my apartment. I decided that life is short (and repeating) and I should move and experience new views. I knew I would need to be in NY for my summer tennis gig and offered my tennis employer that I could come early and work on sales for the month of June. So I gave up the apartment May 31.

So I loaded up Otto, my auto, and drove back to the East Coast this past week. 10th time is a charm. Yes, I have driven back and forth across country in my Teutonic friend 10 times. Yes, remove the socks and count those toes. That’s a lot of driving. The last time I drove across country, I asked someone to slap me silly if I ever did it again. I just can’t remember who I gave that order to or I would have been nursing a sore cheek in Del Mar.

Time doesn’t change anything, it just throws it right back at ya dressed up as something new but when unwrapped, it is the same ole, same ole.

This is also the theme of my new blog. That is why it is version 2.0 – because I basically am the same Buddha that I was long ago, doing the same kinda things but with hopefully a little more memory.

The Confession

Forgive me Father, it has been 2 years and 42 days since my last blog entry.....

OK, I am back after saying about 192,567 Hail Mary's for penance. Don't blame me, blame the Catholic hierarchy.

Why am I back? I think it has to do with me finally surfacing for air. I just left my job that I have for about 2 years and 6 months. That may have had a lot to do with the revelation in sentence #1. OK let's not beat around the George Bush, as the guy has taken a drumming over the past couple of years, the job had everything to do with me not writing. I got wrapped up in work and I let a lot of other stuff drop by the way side. Writing, meditation, hair care maintenance were victims of my 9-5 job.

Granted the job had its perks, it paid me well, I got to work from home in pjs overlooking the pacific ocean and I got loads of frequent flyer miles. I came to the realization that I let the job define me at the beginning of the year and determined to quit then. I finally followed thru with it and quit March 30, 2009. Then did a 10 day meditation retreat soon after that. Oh my Buddha, what I have been missing! My life seemed to come back into focus. And my hair care took a definite upswing at the time too.

So I am back to writing. I have no idea how often I will write. But I missed the act of writing and as I type the words, my life seems pretty darn good.

You want another spin around the blog floor with me?