Free At Last

I was watching a show on 20/20 the other night. Now before you go making snap judgments, let me make a few judgments of my own. I haven’t watched 20/20 in over 20 years. It seems like 20/20 caters to a very elderly suburban mindset. Not that there is anything wrong with a suburban mindset or being old (but please see Barbara Walters reference below), it just I ain’t any of those. Plus how many interviews do we have to watch with Barbara Walters? Isn’t she ready for a rest home yet? So tangents aside, I was bored and had no TV so I went online and chose this very special episode of 20/20:

http://vp2.abc.go.com/watch/2020/166626/233952/amish-teens-at-crossroads

It is about Amish teens who run away from home to escape the crushing tenants of their faith. They want ‘freedom’. We, as an audience, know what they mean as “freedom” – it is not to vote or wanting a better life for their family, it is to listen to AC/DC, smoke, drink and have sex. The virtues our nation was founded on.

They come out innocent and doe eyed and it isn’t long before they have that vapid look most modern day teenagers have. It is a sadness and a confusion mixed with a musky scent of pubescent hormones. I yell at the TV (ok maybe I am an elderly suburbanite and just don’t know it), “Go back to your Amish family! You are going down a dead end road!”

One doe eyed innocent ends up in jail because he was experiencing his new found freedom by drinking Bud Light then setting Amish buggies on fire. We should add that freedom to the Bill of Rights.

It makes me think of my time during my meditation courses. I fight and struggle because I can no longer do what I want to do (that is “I”, “I”, “I”). I do not WANT to meditate – I want to watch Jerry Springer! NOW! And give me a big bag of Doritos and make it snappy! I fantasize about escaping just like those Amish teens. When I first started taking courses, I struggled the whole 10 days. Now I settle down after 5 days and realize that the fawning for freedom is just an illusion, just as is our modern society.

The 20/20 episode followed about 5 runaway Amish teens for 2 years. A few went back to the Amish way of life because they missed their families. In the end, that is what it is all about. It is not about TV, nor fast food, nor sex, drugs or rock ‘n roll, and it is not about the word that people say makes our nation GREAT and that is freedom. Freedom is a word that really has no meaning because it means that someone or thing is not allowing you do what you want to do. That’s an illusion because everything you need is inside. The only person who can take that away from you is the great and freedom loving “I”.

#14, Please. Calling #14.

I am on the road again. This is 14^th time traveling across country. It is déjà vu all over again.

If there is one thing I have learned in my short life, is that life wash, rinses and repeats itself. I had the thought the other day as the countryside was whirring past me, “why has my life been in a flux for the majority of my life?”

I chose my wandering lifestyle very early on in my life but I think that choice was sparked by something that was innate in my wild soul. It is like how baby whales can swim at birth or baby giraffes can stand and run minutes after birth: it is in their DNA. Well, my wandering soul is in my DNA. I could not chose anything but this lifestyle.

Then I asked myself, “What am I to learn from this constant wandering?” I then thought when I took up this iterant lifestyle what it felt like for me. Nerve racking is the thought that came to mind. I am a person who likes order and a Wandering Lifestyle bitch slaps Order often. It demands respect for its flashy chaos or look out for a shiner. Well, I have gotten bitch slapped some many times when I was younger that I almost forgot what normal felt like. I would usually start smoking like a fiend or doing some other self destructive habit to take me away from the uncomfortable feelings of chaos. But the therein lies the rub: feeling. Feeling is not uncomfortable or comfortable: it just is.

I just got out of a 2-week meditation retreat that focuses on sensation in the body as a tool to living a better life. Feeling pain? Observe it as sensation rather than creating the mental pain to go along with the physical pain. Feeling good? Observe it. Don’t judge one good or the other bad because on a sub molecular level they are both the same – just a mass of vibrating atoms doing what nature intended.

So I am on the road again going to a place I am not sure. But I am trying not to reach for a stimulant to divert my feelings, I am really trying to enjoy the scenery as it unfolds in glorious unplannedness.

If I had it do all over again…

You hear this question asked in interviews and the stock answered is “Nothing. I would do everything the same.” That answer shows that you are accepting and have done everything you wanted to do. You have no regrets. I, on the other hand, think it shows that the person is someone who has done what he/she thinks is expected of him/her by society. This person is not too introspective and probably has a really tight sphincter.

I, on the other hand, would change this and change that and fluff that up, rearrange that, keep THAT thing exactly the same, but totally avoid THAT one (jeez not THAT again!) and try THAT one that I avoided. I would change a whole lot of things. That shows that I am introspective and have a very loose sphincter

There are only a few things I would keep in my life. I would take better care of my body in my 20's and not smoke at all and drink way less. I would run marathons, climb mountains, and raft rivers rather than spend one more minute in a pub. I would embrace nature and spend less time in cities. I have only a handful of really good friends. I will keep them! There are a few people I would love to sleep with the next time around and a few that I would skip on my next visit. I have a boatload of acquaintances that I thought could have been good friends but I was deluding myself mainly out of boredom – it wasn’t fair to them or me to be wasting anyone’s time. I think I would avoid them next time around. I have heard everything they have to say and it wasn’t that exciting the first time. There are few experiences that are keepers but the rest of my experiences have been filler. Again ok and entertaining the first time around but not ones that I am going to sit through again.

I guess life is a movie and there are only a handful of movies that I would see again and again. Wait strike that – there are no films that I would willingly see again. Yes, when I am bored and flipping through the channels, I may rest on a film that I really like (usually silly comedies) but I rarely will watch the whole thing again. Just give me the good parts.

I am thinking this because I am in this movie that I have been in many times – I think it is called Groundhogs Day. I LOVED that the first 20 times I saw it but now it is sort of grating on my nerves.

So how do I change the channel on this thing?

In Memoriam

This summer has been one of good byes.

From the folly of the Michael Jackson death and the media’s obsession with anything celebrity. Forget reporting real news (gosh, we love that President!); give the people what they want. We want our TMZ!

I swear people, I am getting world-weary. The only reason I decided to write my blog again was that I wanted to become “ok” with the sameness. Because, if you haven’t noticed, life repeats itself. Life repeats itself. Did I just say that? And wash, rinse and repeat.

I gave up watching TV news and reading any kind of periodical right around the Anna Nicole tragedy. Oh gosh, she was our Princess Diana and we were robbed of her good deeds. I am still shocked this many year’s afterwards. I shouldn’t make fun of Anna Nicole Double D Smith because she played her part wonderfully. But I was baffled by our obsession with her. I still don’t get it. Life repeats itself.

Well, here we are again. A few years later and everything is the same. Who is Anna Nicole Jackson’s baby daddy? I think the Howard Stern gave Michael an overdose. And then we televise his funeral on every fucking TV station! Like Gandhi just died! Come on people, wake up! I just don’t get this world anymore. I am more baffled that people actually care about this stuff. Life repeats itself.

So everything is different and everything is the same. One thread that has held my attention since I was 17 and my grandma died is death. Intellectually and Buddhaly, I understand it as a part of life but emotionally it is so cold and unfinished for me: it leaves a whole lot of shoulda, coulda and wouldas.

My friend’s suicide early this summer has still left me baffled. I ask why and wonder what he was thinking as he realized he was going somewhere where he couldn’t come back. Where is he now? All I hope is that it is happiness he found as that is what I wish for me. But the latent Catholic in me thinks he has not found peace but a sort of damnation. I hope that side of me is deluded as our media.

And I just said goodbye to my summer project. Tennis season is officially over and I am in no-man’s land right now. Have they remodeled since the last time I was here? I am waiting around in NYC for a month then I will do a meditation retreat at the end of August. I do much better when I have a goal and am occupied because idle hands and minds are the media’s workshop.

So good-bye Jeff. Good bye Michael Jackson and the rest of the celebrities that passed away. Good-bye tennis. Good-bye media credibility. Good-bye.

Hello, my name is Buddha! This is my blog. I write about my life. And wash, rinse and repeat. Everything is pretty darn good.

re: sad news

I got an email from my mother this morning. The title was “sad news”. I read it thinking she was announcing that her crop of tomatoes was a disaster or that the new throw pillow she bought clashed with the couch. I started reading it and realized it wasn’t trivial and then I thought (I am never in a moment but trying to be two steps ahead) that it may be something about my mom’s dog. But then I realized it wasn’t a dog but my childhood friend of mine. My mom said he committed suicide on Monday.

I was stunned. I am still stunned. He was my oldest friend for over 33 years even though I haven’t talked to him in a few years. But that isn’t anything new – we would not see each other for a year or two and then pick up and it would feel like no time has passed. His parents live across from my mother and I have been expecting to see him and his family at Christmas but our paths haven’t crossed. No big deal, I thought – I’ll see him next year.

I have been fortunate that death has not knocked near me in quite a while. My grandma was the first real death in 1981 I experienced. Then my grandpa 15 years later. Then 2 uncles in the past 10 years and that is about it. I have never had a friend die – a peer. My grandparents and uncles could be rationalized that they led a full life. As a middle age man, I feel like a baby. There is so much to my life and I know that one episode of my life is not one to base the rest of my life on. I know things - good and bad - will pass.

I am still stunned. What were his thoughts that drove him to it? Why couldn’t he reach out? Why would he leave his wife and 2 kids and his parents with this much pain? His mother said he has been on the termination list from work for about 6 months and this drove him to depression.

I think we all have George Bailey moments when we think the world would be better off without us. But taking the next step is not one that many people cross. And taking that step because of money or love or loss is not worth it. This too shall pass.

I am stunned. But with all this, I have been thinking more of life today. It makes me realize how precious life is. It makes me want to love it all the more and squeeze as much out of it possible.

My thoughts of life are with his family and with me reminding me to live like there is no tomorrow.

The Threepenny Opera

This too shall change. You got change for a penny?

If there has been one overarching theme in my life it is the one of change. On one hand, I handle it with aplomb and on the other shoe belongs to Richard Reid.

There are things that I have been all hot and bothered about one day and swear my undying love and devotion to in heartfelt nocturnal whispers. And after a while I can let those things go when they no longer are needed. Huh? Didn't I just say that I would be with that thing until the day I die? Didn't I say I would give my left nutsack for it?? How dare I just drop it one day!

Well, I did and I do. From time to time I can let things just drop like toys from my childhood with not once looking over my Lotte Lenya shoulder. Then there are those other things - those things that that take me a weill to get over. Those things know I am their bitch and I ain't go anywhere. Those, as you may have surmised, are a bit harder to just drop. But I know they no longer suit me but I feel if I just change and maybe complain a little less then things will change....and maybe I should just drop a few lbs and a get a new hairdo...

So here I am pining for a thing that is in the past and bitching a bit too much about my present. That ain't new territory. I am very comfortable here but at the same time I fell really cheap and used in the morning. I know it is time for me to drop the past and let it be the past and really, I mean, really face my present with all the love I can muster.

I am in the third act and am waiting for reprieve. Who knows in "The Threepenny Opera part 2!" I may find redemption.

An Alzheimer’s Life

The older I get, the more I find my life repeats itself. Whaddya say there, sonny? Speak up and brings me my teef why you are at it!

I moved from my own personal Shangri-La, Del Mar, at the end of May. I have moved from this apartment more times than I can remember. Hey, there, sonny, grab me a Depends why you are up! Well, I actually can remember I have been in 7 different apartments in my Del Mar abode so that means ….counts toes….I moved 7 times! Each time I say it’s the last time but I know deep down inside that that is a lie. I did, however, think I was going to stay the last time I moved as I moved into the best view in the apartment building and possibly in Del Mar. The view was, needless to say, breathtaking. Hold on, sonny, let me catch my breath. But after a while of living there I began to take the view for granted.

So at the beginning of the year, when I decided that I would quit my job, I then began to play scenarios in my mind what I would do with my apartment. I decided that life is short (and repeating) and I should move and experience new views. I knew I would need to be in NY for my summer tennis gig and offered my tennis employer that I could come early and work on sales for the month of June. So I gave up the apartment May 31.

So I loaded up Otto, my auto, and drove back to the East Coast this past week. 10th time is a charm. Yes, I have driven back and forth across country in my Teutonic friend 10 times. Yes, remove the socks and count those toes. That’s a lot of driving. The last time I drove across country, I asked someone to slap me silly if I ever did it again. I just can’t remember who I gave that order to or I would have been nursing a sore cheek in Del Mar.

Time doesn’t change anything, it just throws it right back at ya dressed up as something new but when unwrapped, it is the same ole, same ole.

This is also the theme of my new blog. That is why it is version 2.0 – because I basically am the same Buddha that I was long ago, doing the same kinda things but with hopefully a little more memory.

The Confession

Forgive me Father, it has been 2 years and 42 days since my last blog entry.....

OK, I am back after saying about 192,567 Hail Mary's for penance. Don't blame me, blame the Catholic hierarchy.

Why am I back? I think it has to do with me finally surfacing for air. I just left my job that I have for about 2 years and 6 months. That may have had a lot to do with the revelation in sentence #1. OK let's not beat around the George Bush, as the guy has taken a drumming over the past couple of years, the job had everything to do with me not writing. I got wrapped up in work and I let a lot of other stuff drop by the way side. Writing, meditation, hair care maintenance were victims of my 9-5 job.

Granted the job had its perks, it paid me well, I got to work from home in pjs overlooking the pacific ocean and I got loads of frequent flyer miles. I came to the realization that I let the job define me at the beginning of the year and determined to quit then. I finally followed thru with it and quit March 30, 2009. Then did a 10 day meditation retreat soon after that. Oh my Buddha, what I have been missing! My life seemed to come back into focus. And my hair care took a definite upswing at the time too.

So I am back to writing. I have no idea how often I will write. But I missed the act of writing and as I type the words, my life seems pretty darn good.

You want another spin around the blog floor with me?